Good Grief

I should probably open this entry with a disclaimer. This post is an attempt to organize my thoughts about grief.
At 9am on December 23rd, my Grammie passed away. My husband, brother, and I were driving to Northern California to be with my parents for Christmas when I got the phone call from my mom. It wasn't a surprise, but at the same time, it wasn't something I expected.
Grammie had been fighting colon cancer and had been put on hospice in her home weeks ago, so we knew the end was near. She had two very large tumors that could not be operated on. As a result, her appetite and strength diminished until she was too weak to continue on. I last saw her two weekends ago. She looked weak and I could tell she was hurting badly. I was thankful that she could even recognize me with all of the pain medications she was on. That night I sat with her, holding her hands, speaking occasionally, and praying that her pain would be soothed. Of course, my hope was that her pain would cease and that we could keep her here on earth for longer. But our plans are not God's plans.
I think I first began grieving when I heard about her diagnosis. Severe colon cancer does not give an already weak grandma good chances. I was given plenty of comfort and encouragement from family and friends who had known people who had fought that cancer and won. Grammie was not strong enough physically to do that. When Grammie was placed in hospice it really hit home. I've never lost someone close to me this way. To be honest, the closest losses I've had were my Great Auntie Bea and my friend Landon. They were very unexpected situations and the grief cut differently than it did with Grammie. The night my mom told me that Grammie was placed in hospice, I grieved hard. To me, it was the end of the story. As my husband held me and wiped away my tears he said a few things to me that helped. He said that it was ok to hurt, but he also reminded me of the truth.
The truth is that Grammie was in a lot of pain.
The truth is that we are not meant for this world.
The truth is that there is a better place without pain and without suffering.
These thoughts give me comfort as I grieve. Grammie no longer hurts. As much as I crave one last story, one last laugh from her... I know that she is in a better place. And even if that means that our hearts ache we can at least take solace in that.
Grammie was one of the sweetest women I've known. She always had frozen Eggo waffles (my favorite, eaten uncooked) and Hershey Nuggets. When I was younger I used to unwrap a Nugget, pop it in my mouth, and fold the paper into the original shape, and then place it back in the candy dish to see if I could trick her. She somehow enjoyed that silly prank. Grammie also had wonderful stories to tell. They ranged from her minor usage of french to the craziness of her three children. I don't think I ever heard her complain. She loved mallard ducks, lighthouses, iceskating, and Maine. Later in life, she adopted the Lakers as her sports team and diligently watched every game of theirs that she could with a Laker flag and blanket. Even though she had to quit smoking for health reasons, the smell of some cigarettes still reminds me of her. Grammie watched my husband and I as romantic leads in a play together before we were even dating and suggested that he would make a handsome boyfriend. Grammie was a smart lady.
I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts, so I apologize if this post seems scattered.
I think that Grammie's death has reminded me how important it is to keep in touch with those we love. We have limited years, months, weeks, hours, minutes, and seconds with our families and friends. Even if you have weeks to say goodbye, that time will not be enough. No one knows how long we can hear their stories and feel their embraces. I will intentionally treasure these things.
So, for the first year in a long time I am making a New Year's Resolution. I resolve to soak up the loving words and actions and to reflect them back. I resolve to be intentional. I will not and cannot be perfect, but I can try my hardest to show my love.
Thank you for reading.