Good Grief

I should probably open this entry with a disclaimer. This post is an attempt to organize my thoughts about grief.
At 9am on December 23rd, my Grammie passed away. My husband, brother, and I were driving to Northern California to be with my parents for Christmas when I got the phone call from my mom. It wasn't a surprise, but at the same time, it wasn't something I expected.
Grammie had been fighting colon cancer and had been put on hospice in her home weeks ago, so we knew the end was near. She had two very large tumors that could not be operated on. As a result, her appetite and strength diminished until she was too weak to continue on. I last saw her two weekends ago. She looked weak and I could tell she was hurting badly. I was thankful that she could even recognize me with all of the pain medications she was on. That night I sat with her, holding her hands, speaking occasionally, and praying that her pain would be soothed. Of course, my hope was that her pain would cease and that we could keep her here on earth for longer. But our plans are not God's plans.
I think I first began grieving when I heard about her diagnosis. Severe colon cancer does not give an already weak grandma good chances. I was given plenty of comfort and encouragement from family and friends who had known people who had fought that cancer and won. Grammie was not strong enough physically to do that. When Grammie was placed in hospice it really hit home. I've never lost someone close to me this way. To be honest, the closest losses I've had were my Great Auntie Bea and my friend Landon. They were very unexpected situations and the grief cut differently than it did with Grammie. The night my mom told me that Grammie was placed in hospice, I grieved hard. To me, it was the end of the story. As my husband held me and wiped away my tears he said a few things to me that helped. He said that it was ok to hurt, but he also reminded me of the truth.
The truth is that Grammie was in a lot of pain.
The truth is that we are not meant for this world.
The truth is that there is a better place without pain and without suffering.
These thoughts give me comfort as I grieve. Grammie no longer hurts. As much as I crave one last story, one last laugh from her... I know that she is in a better place. And even if that means that our hearts ache we can at least take solace in that.
Grammie was one of the sweetest women I've known. She always had frozen Eggo waffles (my favorite, eaten uncooked) and Hershey Nuggets. When I was younger I used to unwrap a Nugget, pop it in my mouth, and fold the paper into the original shape, and then place it back in the candy dish to see if I could trick her. She somehow enjoyed that silly prank. Grammie also had wonderful stories to tell. They ranged from her minor usage of french to the craziness of her three children. I don't think I ever heard her complain. She loved mallard ducks, lighthouses, iceskating, and Maine. Later in life, she adopted the Lakers as her sports team and diligently watched every game of theirs that she could with a Laker flag and blanket. Even though she had to quit smoking for health reasons, the smell of some cigarettes still reminds me of her. Grammie watched my husband and I as romantic leads in a play together before we were even dating and suggested that he would make a handsome boyfriend. Grammie was a smart lady.
I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts, so I apologize if this post seems scattered.
I think that Grammie's death has reminded me how important it is to keep in touch with those we love. We have limited years, months, weeks, hours, minutes, and seconds with our families and friends. Even if you have weeks to say goodbye, that time will not be enough. No one knows how long we can hear their stories and feel their embraces. I will intentionally treasure these things.
So, for the first year in a long time I am making a New Year's Resolution. I resolve to soak up the loving words and actions and to reflect them back. I resolve to be intentional. I will not and cannot be perfect, but I can try my hardest to show my love.
Thank you for reading.

Epic Weekend (or, the weekend I proved my wifely awesomeness)

Hubbs has been bugging me to write lately, and I figured this weekend was blog-worthy, so you are now my victims.

Friday night Hubbs and I went to see a Christmas play at our undergrad. We got free tickets because I had made a ridiculous hat for one of the costumes. For the first time, neither of us knew any of the students in the show. We had fun enjoying the Christmassy feelings and re-connecting with the director and another friend who had worked on the show.

Saturday, Hubbs and I went into the LA area to visit family and to see a PWG show. For those of you who are blissfully unaware, PWG stands for Pro-Wrestling Guerilla. PWG is like WWE, but smaller and with less big stars. The great thing about PWG is that the matches are all very high-energy. PWG shows are generally held in smaller venues than the larger wrestling promotions so we found ourselves about ten feet from the action at times. I might also mention that PWG is not for the faint of heart. These guys get seriously injured and go flying into the crowd from time to time. The fans take great joy in that. One other thing I've noticed about wrestling fans is their love of chanting. They often like to encourage or dis the guys wrestling, or they chant the catch phrases of the wrestlers. One wrestler (Steen) has the catch phrase of "Kill, Steen, Kill." He was seen hugging another wrestler and Hubbs started up the rather popular new chant of "Hug, Steen, Hug." Later in the night, I decided to try my luck on originating a chant for the last match. Another fan was heckling one of the tag teams and I hollered, "That's Not Nice! That's Not Nice! That's Not Ni......" before I decided it was wiser to be silent than to chant. I was drawing unnecessary attention from the wrestlers and fans surrounding me. Thus died the small spark of creation in my soul that night. The event went quite late into the night and I was fully thankful to stumble into bed once we got home.

Today we woke up and got on the road to San Diego for a Chargers game. A buddy of ours had won the tickets at his work but was unable to attend, so we got them! We were seated on the Plaza level, almost behind the goalposts of an end zone. Hubbs and I take great joy in yelling at football, and being there in person made it so much more immediate. We were sitting next to a man and his son who were big fans and who had been to many games over the years. Every touchdown was prime opportunity for high fives with all of the people around us, even if we had never met them. This was probably my favorite live sporting event that I've attended. Hubbs and I also go to hockey games, but football beats all. I'm pretty sure I hurt my voice from all of the screaming and cheering and I do not regret it. If you ever have the chance to attend a live game, even if it isn't your team (I'm a 49ers girl, myself), DO IT. We were stuck in traffic to and from the game, but it was so worth the time.

Now we're home, catching up on Hulu like exciting married folks while I enjoy my egg nog (the real stuff). I'm thinking ahead to this week and feeling both dread and excitement. Perhaps I should elaborate? On Thursday I reported for jury duty (yay for being a registered voter) and was selected to sit for a case. I originally convinced myself that the courts evilly chose me because I was an hour late checking in and they wanted to reap vengeance, but Hubbs pointed out that it's likely because I don't have a whole lot of prejudices and I seem like a fair person. Whichever reason, I've been trying to be honored to be chosen to perform my civic duty. I'm also trying to be excited to spend some time away from work, but I find it hard to detach myself at this busy time in the office. I'm hoping the trial resolves mid-week, but the judge promised to have it over on Friday or sooner so I can't complain too much. Unfortunately, I can't elaborate on the case right now, but I think I'll have some interesting stories after it closes. Perhaps another blog post will be in order. Or a short play about the jurors. Regardless, I'm certain there will be something to read, whether you like it or not.

In other news, Hubbs and I have our two year wedding anniversary on Sunday! I can hardly believe it has been two years with him. I can honestly say that marrying him was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm so thankful that God directed me to him (even if it did take a while for me to realize it). :) We are going to go to Disneyland as our anniversary/Christmas present to each other and I'm pumped! I'm sure I'll have some awesome/embarrassing story about that, too. Until then, Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

Below is a candid shot from our wedding day, taken by the amazing Christian Kaysen. :)